Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
