Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize