I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
