i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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