6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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