her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize