I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
