What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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