there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
