worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
