i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
