I accidentally burped into my bong.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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