I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
