Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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