can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
