last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
