better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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