I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
