Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize