I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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