put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize