I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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