Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
