we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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