like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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