if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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