I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
