onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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