I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
