Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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