Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
