Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
