It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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