Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
