All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
