I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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