So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
