if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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