Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
