What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize