i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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