a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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