my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I need moral support for this bender
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize