So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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