I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
