Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
