Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
