You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
