i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
