I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
