Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
