batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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