Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize