I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
