I need to stop coming to work sober
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
