You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize